NRH WATCHDOg

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NRH Watch Dog EXCLUSIVE: The Carport Cartel – Rebirth of the Aluminum Empire

North Richland Hills — Just when the citizens of NRH thought they could park in peace again, The Watch Dog has uncovered the shocking return of the city’s most divisive and metallic scandal: The Carport Cartel.

According to newly leaked “classified documents” (handwritten on napkins from the Ol’ South Pancake House), there’s been a secret real estate cabal quietly manipulating zoning codes, inspection schedules, and even homeowner paranoia to cash in on a darkly brilliant scheme: profiting from the destruction of carports.

The Aluminum Awakening

Blakie-Poo, the self-appointed guardian of civic sanity, broke the story after intercepting an “encrypted” email thread titled “Project Ascension: Phase II.”

The message—complete with Comic Sans headers—allegedly reveals an unholy alliance between the City Planning Department and a shadowy organization calling themselves The Architects of Ascension.

According to the leaked files, every time a carport comes down, the land underneath becomes prime real estate for the Ascension Syndicate, a secretive developer group with alleged ties to local HOA board members and two yoga instructors.

The Blueprint for Greed

The Watch Dog obtained exclusive access to a supposed “master plan” recovered from a city dumpster (disguised as a recycling bin). The plan details a 10-step initiative codenamed “Operation Open Driveway.”

The goals include:

1. Reclassify carports as “aesthetic impediments.”
2. Convince residents that aluminum attracts alien signals (see prior abduction incident).
3. Fine violators into submission.
4. Acquire cleared properties through “benevolent redevelopment grants.”
5. Build multi-unit “Ascension Pods” with “transparent roofs for government sky surveillance efficiency.”

Inside the Architects of Ascension

Little is known about the mysterious Architects, but anonymous sources describe them as “former planning interns turned cult-like developers” who gather in a repurposed Home Depot garden shed every full moon.

Members are allegedly required to wear hardhats embossed with the phrase “Rise Above Shade.”

One insider, speaking under the pseudonym “Rafterman42,” confessed:

Follow the Money (and the Permits)

Financial records obtained through a “Freedom of Speculation Act” show massive upticks in permit fees, inspection bonuses, and “miscellaneous administrative ascension fees.”

The documents trace funds to several shell corporations, including:

• Skyline Solutions LLC
• Eternal Elevations Inc.
• Jake’s Discount Aluminum Salvage & Grill

City insiders claim the mayor’s office has been suspiciously silent, though one staffer was overheard muttering, “We told them to stop calling it a cabal. It’s a task force.”

A Trail of Twisted Steel

Residents have begun noticing strange construction activity in neighborhoods where carports were recently removed. Reports describe midnight crews measuring driveways and sprinkling what witnesses describe as “glittering powder.”

Others have claimed to see mysterious figures in reflective vests chanting “Build high, block low” around former carport sites.

The Council Connection

An unnamed council member allegedly attempted to blow the whistle—only to find their own carport “mysteriously missing” the next morning. Surveillance footage later revealed nothing but a shimmer of light and faint echoes of a tape measure retracting itself.

Blakie-Poo’s Final Warning

He then dramatically produced a crumpled foil hat, declaring it “the last defense against zoning corruption and ultraviolet greed.”

Coming Next from The NRH Watch Dog:​
​“Ascension Rising: Are the Architects Building a Mega-Structure to Communicate with the Mosquito Aliens?”

Be Sure To Spread the Truth,
​Blakie-Poo, Your NRH WatchDog