NRH WATCHDOg

TODAY'S TOP STORY:

City Hall Launches Pilot Program to Pre-Approve Citizen Opinions Before They’re Posted Online

Officials hail the “Neural Compliance Survey” as a step toward digital harmony; residents call it “Facebook with homework.”

North Richland Hills —​
In a move officials describe as “proactive community engagement” and citizens describe as “a Black Mirror episode filmed in Tarrant County,” City Hall has quietly rolled out a pilot program requiring residents to complete a “Neural Compliance Survey” before posting opinions online.

The system, developed by a shadowy consulting firm called MindMetrics Solutions, is designed to “ensure all digital commentary meets the standards of civic respect, positivity, and pre-approved enthusiasm.”

Before sharing any thoughts about local politics, construction projects, or why the new roundabout “feels like a psychological test,” users must now log into the NRH Citizen Portal, complete a 37-question “thought alignment” test, and wait for their brainwave scan to clear municipal review.

HOW IT WORKS

City spokesperson Dana Furlow explained the process during a press conference that was equal parts tech demo and hostage video.

The feedback optimization team, sources confirm, is a single intern named Kyle armed with an Excel sheet and a sticky note labeled “Be Nicer.”

Furlow added, “This isn’t censorship. It’s pre-emptive positivity.”

EARLY REACTIONS

Reactions have been mixed — mostly horrified.
Local activist and serial Facebook poster Karen D. claimed her account was flagged after attempting to post “City Council = circus.”

Meanwhile, former councilman Brent Vaught called the move “a frontal assault on freedom of thought,” moments before accidentally volunteering to beta test the system.

According to witnesses, Vaught’s scan immediately froze on question three — “Do you believe the city has your best interests in mind?” — causing the software to short-circuit.

INSIDE THE TECH

According to City Hall’s promotional materials, the Neural Compliance Survey uses “patented cognitive harmonization algorithms” to predict whether a comment could be “potentially divisive, sarcastic, or insufficiently grateful.”

Examples of approved phrases include:

• “I love how the city is always improving!”
• “Construction delays build patience.”
• “Taxes are the price of beauty.”

Flagged phrases include:

• “When are they going to fix Rufe Snow?”
• “Why does every project cost more than my house?”
• And anything containing the word “Brent.”

THE WATCHDOG WEIGHS IN

Blakie-Poo, founder of The NRH WatchDog, called the system “the most on-brand dystopia since the Taco Bell surveillance cameras.”

“This is brilliant,” he said, sipping coffee and reviewing his own flagged post. “City Hall just outsourced emotional control to a USB stick. If Orwell and Ring Doorbell had a baby, it’d be this.”

He added, “Honestly, I’m just waiting for the premium version — the one that shocks you every time you think about complaining.”

CITY OFFICIALS DEFEND THE PROGRAM

Mayor Jake defended the initiative during a council meeting livestream, saying the technology was intended to “reduce misinformation, improve discourse, and make my life quieter.”

City Hall insists all data is “securely stored” and “absolutely not being sold to Meta,” though a recent job posting for “Data Monetization Specialist, Neural Division” suggests otherwise.

COMMUNITY FALLOUT

Since the program’s soft launch, online posting activity has plummeted by 83%. Most residents now restrict themselves to neutral topics like weather updates, lost pets, and the new Whataburger’s opening date.

Brent, still locked out of the system, has started distributing handwritten flyers titled “Uncensored Thoughts of a Patriot”, stapling them to stop signs and playground bulletin boards.

City Hall responded by issuing him a “Harmony Violation Notice” and a free neural reconditioning session at the library.

THE WATCHDOG CONCLUSION

The Neural Compliance Survey will remain in beta through the end of the year, though officials admit the system occasionally flags positive thoughts as “potential sarcasm.”

Residents are encouraged to “think cleaner” and “post mindfully.”

Meanwhile, sources confirm City Hall is already developing an upgrade — “Harmony 2.0” — featuring an AI moderator named JakeBot that auto-replies to all complaints with the phrase:

The WatchDog will continue monitoring the rollout… assuming our opinions are cleared for posting.

Be Sure To Spread the Truth,
​Blakie-Poo, Your NRH WatchDog